Change. Newness. Discomfort.

I initially wrote this back in December after my first semester in San Antonio was over, but wasn't brave enough to post it. But here it is. Be gentle, please.

Change. Newness. Discomfort.

These three words have characterized the last few months for me. In August I moved to a new state-
to a city thirty times larger than anywhere I had lived before.I was terrified. I was insecure, alone, and unsure.
I did not understand why the Lord wanted me in San Antonio, Texas. I didn’t even like Texas.

I expected to feel lonely. Alone. Unknown.

And I did. What I didn’t expect was to learn that these feelings are okay. Necessary even.
In any change or new stage of life, there are going to be hard things, at least this is what I’m learning.

In my feelings of loneliness and the abundant alone time I’ve had in the last four months,
the Lord has become more real to me. He’s entered into my life in new ways. I haven’t had the close friends nearby to vent to,
to process through decisions with- and this has driven me to the Lord. He has changed me so much in the last four months,
and I wanted to share a few of the things I’ve learned.

• My feelings are valid. I’ve struggled with this one my whole life. See, I feel things incredibly deeply. Annoyingly deeply sometimes. And as someone that hates crying in front of people, this always made me angry. But a very wise woman said to me once “feelings demand to be felt.” So I’ve let myself feel. Not always in the most appropriate place or time, but I’m learning. My emotions, whether they be grief, joy, sadness, elation, (fill in the blank with any possible feeling), are good. God created them in me. How boring would life be without them?

• God loves ME - not some future version of me, not what I want me to be, not a past version of me, but me. Including all my quirks, my past, my hopes, my dreams- everything about me. And I have worth because He says I do, not because of what the world does or does not say. 

• It’s okay to not have it all together. I am allowed to have a hard time with things. I am allowed to not be sure about what I’ll be doing in a year. In the times when I feel completely out of control (basically all of the last four months), I see God do the most in my life. 

• It’s okay to need things. Whether it’s a movie night with a friend, alone time, a hug, advice, whatever. It’s okay to ask for what I need. I have always been so afraid of inconveniencing others that I was afraid to ask for anything, but I’ve learned that people don’t generally feel inconvenienced by their friends.  

• Discussions about hard topics are so important. Race. Religion. Politics. Sin. I’m learning to enter into these as a listener to learn from the other person. I’ve gained insight into different cultures, belief systems, and many other topics. I hope has allowed me to love those around me more intentionally. 

Many of these things may seem small, but they’ve begun to play out in big ways in my life.
These things are allowing me to see myself as a  whole, worthy, and wanted person- and in turn,
allowing me to live more selflessly and freely.

This journey to realizing who God created me to be is just beginning. Sometimes it’s more messy
and painful than I would like, but the Lord is walking through it with me as a constant comfort.

So friends, let yourself be who you are. Feel. Be needy. Be vulnerable. Learn new things.

But most importantly, remember who your Heavenly Father says you are:
chosen, loved, sons & daughters, redeemed, free, accepted.